Lost
by Annabelle Rae
Summary: Post AW. She may be the Imai Hotaru, but there are things that even she is afraid of. Accepting Mikan's death is one. Because really, she may be the Ice Queen and Blackmail Princess, but most of all, she is Sakura Mikan's best friend.


**Disclaimer: **Oh no. Unfortunately, I don't own Gakuen Alice.

* * *

There you are, inside the confines of your laboratory. You're unaware of what day it is now. You do not know how many days have passed since the end of the Alice war. You don't even know what the time is.

You're just there, working. You work until you're exhausted. You work, in the hope of forgetting everything that happened…

_But you can't._

You don't even go to the cafeteria. Your friends are the ones to bring you something to eat, since you have disposed of Aminatsu - the robot you made that resembled Mikan. How can you stand looking at her, when the real Mikan - your best friend - is gone? How can you look at her and not cry? How can you look at her, and not remember all your memories with Mikan? _How?_

And that is why you never leave this room. You are afraid. You are afraid because leaving this room means that you have to face the truth: _that Mikan's not here. _

There will be no idiot to greet you once you step foot inside the cafeteria. There will be no hazel-eyed woman to be blasted off by your Baka Gun. There will be no stupid girl to ask you help for her Math assignment. There will be no one complaining to you about how Hyuuga is a pervert. No chestnut-colored hair tied into pigtails. No laughter. No goofy grins. No stupid smiles. No nullification. No best friend. _No Mikan._

Yes, she was stupid. Yet, she was like the sun. She was your, and everyone else's, light. She was the one who brought happiness when all you felt was sorrow. She was the only one able to get under your - and even Hyuuga's - skin. She was the only one able to be friends with the whole class, and unite it. Hell, she even befriended Shouda, no matter how bitchy she was when they first met. She was the one the whole school fought for, thus starting the Alice war. She was important to everyone, was she not? She was the one you all wanted to save, yet she, along with Hyuuga, died saving you all. You may have won the war, but you have lost the one you were fighting for.

And now, all of you are in darkness, for your light is now gone. All of you are lost. _Especially you._

You feel the tears welling in your eyes, yet you do not allow them to fall. You don't want anyone to know how broken you are right now. You continue your calm and stoic façade, and keep all the hurt bottled up inside.

Suddenly, your front door opens, and you are interrupted from your thoughts.

You look at the door and see Nogi Ruka standing there, a tray of food on his hands.

"Hotaru, I've brought you dinner." he says.

"Just put it there, Nogi. I'll eat when I feel like it." you reply.

"Hotaru…" he stops, and looks into your eyes. "Everyone is worried about you," he continues. "Why don't you join us tomorrow, at breakfast?"

"I don't want to, Nogi. I still have work to finish" you say, as you turn away from him.

"There you are again. You keep on drowning yourself. You work until you're exhausted, and then continue the next day. When you finish, you create another invention. You are overexerting yourself. Do you want to die?" he says, exasperated.

"Oh shut it, Nogi. Do you think I'll be so stupid to try to kill myself? And anyway, it is none of your business. I don't go around telling you to stop 'bonding' with your little animal friends, don't I?" you tell him.

"You're just shutting yourself out. Stop it with those false pretenses. I know you, Hotaru. I see through you. You may not notice, but we all care for you. And also, Natsume and Mikan died for us. You are wasting their sacrifices with that...that slow suicide!" he says, his voice rising slightly.

"You know me? You got me figured out, huh? Well, two words. _Fuck you_. What do you know? _Nothing. _You don't know anything, Nogi. Not a single thing. Don't act all damn mighty and tell me what to do. You know nothing of what I feel. Leave _now._" you snap at him, and you turn to face him again. You know that you will not be able to do your work; not now that he's here.

"I will not leave until I make you see some sense. Newsflash, Hotaru. No matter how hard you work, you will not bring them back! No matter how much you exert yourself, you cannot forget what happened! Natsume is dead. Mikan is dead. Learn to accept that your best friend has died! You keep that unemotional mask of yours when all you're feeling is hurt inside. I've expected better from you, Hotaru. You disappoint me." he tells you, as he starts walking to where you are.

"Well, I'm very sorry then, if I'm being a complete disappointment. If you don't have anything to do here now, I suggest you stop with what you are saying and just leave." you tell him coldly, hoping that your face does not betray any of your emotions. You cannot bear to hear all the things he has to say, because you know, all of it is true. He tells you the truth you have been hiding from for so long. You may be _the _Imai Hotaru, but there are things that even you are afraid of.

"Oh no, I will not stop. It is about time you open your eyes. You are Mikan's best friend, are you not? Do you think she will be happy, seeing you like this? Don't you think that, wherever she is now, she is watching you, and is feeling guilty? Come on, Hotaru. Surely you know how she will react." he says, as he stops just right in front of you.

You sigh, and you decide to tell him the truth. "I know. I know that. But what can I do? Mikan… Mikan is my first friend. She was the first person to approach me, and not feel afraid or intimidated. She was the first one to accept me for who I am. She was the first person to love me, despite the things I am not. She was my best friend. I consider her my sister. She died without even knowing how much I care for her. H-how do I live through this, huh?" and then you laugh: cold, emotionless laughter. "Why do I even tell you this?" you continue. "You are Nogi Ruka. Surely you don't understand. You may have lost, too, but you have a lot of friends to take care of you."

"You are wrong." he whispers.

"Come again?" you ask.

"I said you are wrong!" he shouts. "We all have lost because of the war. We all understand you, Hotaru. You think we do not care, but we do. But I… I've lost Natsume, my best friend. Mikan, too. She was best friend, too. Don't tell me… Don't tell me I will lose you too." He says, his voice cracking.

"You'll lose me? Whatever do you mean, Nogi?" you ask, thoroughly confused.

"You're changing, Hotaru. You… You're not yourself anymore. I know it is hard, coping with everything that happened. But still, I cannot stand seeing you like this. You're supposed to be calm and collected, and now, you look fragile; like you're going to break any second. It's not supposed to be like this. You, the woman I've always admired, are not supposed to be like this." He tells you. Then he looks into your eyes. "Being strong does not mean that you have to deal with all your problems alone. Sometimes, being strong means that you're not afraid to tell your pain to someone else, and you trust him well enough to have him help you deal with your problems, too." He finishes. And then, unexpectedly, he hugs you.

"Nogi, what are you doing?" you say, as you try to push him away. He does not let go, so you let your arms lay on your sides.

"Shh. We understand you, Hotaru. We really do. It's about time you share with us your pain, too. You may be the Ice Queen and Blackmailing Princess, but most of all, you are Imai Hotaru, Sakura Mikan's best friend."

And finally, you hug him back. Because you know, deep inside your heart, that he is right. As much as you hate to admit, Nogi Ruka is right.

As your grip on his back tightens, you let go of all the emotions you've bottled up inside. You let it all out.

And finally, you cry.

* * *

The following day, you visit her - no, their - graves. Funnily enough, it is raining. But you do not care. You allow yourself to be drenched with water, as you walk towards two headstones, placed side-by-side.

You stare at the headstone at the right that read:

R.I.P  
_Sakura Mikan  
1 January 1996 – 4 May 2012  
_

You avert you gaze to the headstone on the left. It read:

R.I.P  
_Hyuuga Natsume  
27 November 1996 – 4 May 2012_

You start with Hyuuga.

"You know I hate you. I never thought I'd be standing before your grave and talk to the imaginary you. Then again, as much as I hate to admit it, I thought wrong. Knowing Mikan, she probably caused a ruckus there, wherever you two are. She probably tripped as she walked at the clouds. The first thing she probably did there was to pig out. That's highly possible, really. It's Mikan, after all. Take care of her, Hyuuga, until I get there, or you'll have me to answer to. You'll have to pay me if you don't do your job of protecting her well. Remember that."

You turn to Mikan's grave, and you say: "Hey idiot, I know you've caused a racket there already. Knowing you, you might already be friends with everyone you've met there, since you're always like that. When we… When we meet again, you'll have to pay me for all your loans, huh? With interest. And you'll have to treat me for a month's worth of crab brains, because you left me here. How dare you leave without telling me? I haven't even told you how much you mean to me. I will not cry. Knowing you, the saint that you are, you'll only cry there and feel guilty because I'm sad because of you. You'll forever be my sister and best friend, always remember that. I'll try to be friends with others, though I know I'll do poorly at that. But none of them will ever mean as much as you, though." you pause, and then you laugh. You laugh at all the things you are saying, because really, they sound like words Mikan would probably say. Then you continue: "I'm getting sappy, aren't I? I presume you have that stupid grin of yours while you cry, listening to what I'm telling you. Well, prepare your money because there would also be a fee for these… things I'm telling you. Don't think I'm doing this out of love. Oh, no." _But seriously, they are true. You did say best friends forever, right? You may not be here, but you will always be my one and only best friend, really. I don't say it much, but I love you, Mikan, I really do. And I thank God that He gave you to a person like me._

And then you laugh. You laugh at the irony of it all. You all fought the war for Mikan and Hyuuga, and yet, here you are, standing before their graves. Instead of staying inside your room, or confining yourself inside your lab, here you are, drenched with rainwater, talking to them.

But then, you smile. You find it funny, how their life turned out. When Mikan was taken away by the ESP, Hyuuga never stopped looking for her. Mikan, on the other hand, never stopped worrying about Hyuuga, be it when he goes into different missions, or when she was taken, separated from you all. You find their story a complete cliche. They were living testaments then, of opposites attract. They started, funnily enough, with hate at first sight. Their mothers were even best friends. They were always together, because Mikan never gave up. Despite all those arguments and bickering, eventually, she crawled under his skin, and managed to have a special place inside his heart. They were fighting, side by side, during the war. They fought as they watched over each other. Maybe that's why, they met the same end. Maybe they really were inseparable, that they died together, beside each other. And maybe...maybe they truly were a match made in heaven.

_At least, _you think, _they did not die in vain. They died heroic deaths, for they died for the people they loved, and the ones they wanted to protect. At least, they will be remembered and honored by all._

Because you know, they love each other too much that they'd rather die together than live without the other. They did not deserve to die, but they deserved a death like theirs. Their love was forever, and you know, _their _forever meant until the very end.

You look up at the sky, and notice that the rain is receding. You think: "_I miss you, Mikan. I hope you're happy there, with Hyuuga. We all miss you two. I hope you do well there, wherever you are."_

And with one last look on their headstones, you turn to leave.

You smile as you reach your lab, because there, directly above, is a rainbow. And then _you_ know.

_You know._

_You know that she's fine. You know that she's happy. You know that she's well taken care of. With a simple rainbow, you just know._

Mikan is the type of girl to send obvious signs like that, anyway.

And you think to yourself:_ maybe it's about time you move on and become happy, too._

And so, with a small, small smile, you head for the cafeteria, in the hope of starting life anew. Maybe you'll be joining them for breakfast, after all.

_**End**_

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Err, hi. There goes my first fanfiction ever. I know, I know. I lack vocabulary and writing skills. I was not able to portray Hotaru properly, was I? She appeared a bit OOC to me. I'll try to revise this when I get better, really.

Constructive criticisms for now, please? Thanks. :)

With much regards,  
Athena :)


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